You're crying. You say you've burned yourself. But can you think of anyone who's not hazy with smoke?
*Rumi. Rumi. Trans. Coleman Barks.
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A Catholic sister came to a profound experience that brought her to tears during a Zen retreat. The words that arose from the depth of her being, accompanied by many tears, were "I am innocent."
She was indeed gifted with a glimpse of her 'original nature,' as she was able to experience this realm of the 'holy and blameless' in her practice of silent sitting.
*Ruben L. F. Habito. Living Zen, Loving God. 2004.
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I sat in my chair disturbed by a sense of failure, still struggling to be healed of brokenness, feeling guilt. I saw what appeared as my failure again, personal, and the sight flowed through the mind like a dirty piece of dogged debris that kept returning to travel the same rivulet, again and again.
I thought, "Here I am, again, feeling this failure." Suddenly, everything changed, for I was introduced to the reality that I was innocently broken like so many but not sinful in the sense that I had been taught in my fundamentalist religious upbringing. Right away, for possibly the first time in my life, I rejoiced at seeing my true nature: innocence.
What a relief! ... the heart filled with gladness and gratitude. I saw myself as I had never before seen myself. What a gift! A seeing, a knowing, not gotten, given.
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Innocence, our pristine nature, is not after being forgiven, enlightenment, or liberation, not after anything. Innocence is prior to everything ~ original, untouched by time. We do not have to return to a Garden of Eden or move all the way to a Nirvana, a Pure Land, or a Heaven. We cannot reclaim anything lost to be innocent; we cannot get to something in the future to be innocent.
Innocence is our participation in Life. Life Itself is innocent; all kinds of things, gentle and violent, happen on this Earth, but Life remains untouched by any meanness or goodness. Life is.
Innocent is pure for having no contrast. You cannot say rightly, "I am innocent, for I am not guilty."
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Buddhists pose the koan, "What was your original face before your parents were born?" In my forties, I looked into a mirror. Something was different. For the first time I could recall, I looked at the face and saw only innocence - the guilt, the shame, the "you're a sinner" was gone. The original face was looking in the mirror at the face.
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The seeing of innocence is not a mental thing. We do not simply choose to see innocence. So, to see innocence, which is insight, or in-seeing, is not seeing with the eyes or mind, and this is not a skill we develop.
Whatever leads up to this insight is different for each of us. Yet, what is true for all of us is when the opening happens, we see as we are given to see... the same face. At first, we might have infrequent glimpses of innocence, but with time, we see innocence everywhere. What we are seeing is not my innocence, his innocence, her innocence, but innocence.
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The question is, however, "Do you want to see innocence?" That might seem like a weird question. Someone could say, "Of course! Doesn't everyone?" Maybe, yet, do not most of us cling to seeing guilt and excluding innocence in others or ourselves, for such we are used to, such validates some ill but familiar narrative we have. Feeling guilty can be a big trip... going nowhere.
When we choose to let go of our clinging to guiltiness, that begins an openness, even if a little crack in the wall; then, light can start to shine in. We can choose this before we feel like choosing it. Grace begins recasting the story of pain into a story marked by gratitude in that spaciousness to see the innocence in myself, even the person who has most hurt me. Seeing the unsullied self always brings joy, appreciation, and a sense of beauty. This self is universal.
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This past Sunday, I sat for two hours with an inmate in jail. He hugged me when coming in and leaving. I could see his innocence. Yet, I had to remember he was an inmate, and I had no idea what he had done to be there. I saw him relatively as being in jail and possibly guilty of a crime, but from the innocence in me, I could see his innocence before any crime he might have been guilty of. The original face was seeing the original face.
From this innocence, I could provide a safe space for him to feel heard, loved, and accepted regardless of anything he had done or not done. By the original face within me seeing the same in the inmate, I could sense the same seeing in return. Yet the experience of this, as all transpersonal, is wordless.
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Rumi asks, "But can you think of anyone who's not hazy with smoke?" We all are burned and hazy. We get glimpses, hopefully, of our true face... innocence. These moments encourage us to be faithful to our spiritual path to clarify more who we are, to remove more of the haziness. Possibly, someday, we will no longer be hazy with smoke. Yes, I see that day, for I see it in the moments of seeing innocence in another or myself, including nonhuman beings. Each living thing has its innocence, which is our innocence ~ there is no private or personal innocence. Innocence is everywhere. Do you see it?
*Brian's book, An Ache for Union: Poems on Oneness with God through Love, can be ordered through major online booksellers or the publisher AuthorHouse.
